Financial Advisor, the Panic Report

As a financial advisor I've got some advice on how you can exploit the stock market turmoil to your best advantage.

Many are advising that people invest in gold and precious metals to help them weather the current storm.  I disagree!  Gold and precious metals are heavy and cannot be eaten or worn as clothing.  I recommend bottled water and shotgun shells as a preferable investment.  Also, warm clothing for winter enviornments, cool clothing for southern climates, and soap.  Soap is a valuable commodity, even more valuble than gold.  Just try washing your stinky, fat asses with a bar of gold.  It doesn't work.

Boots and shoes for yourselves and your families are also good investments.  Take the time to learn something useful.  Like how to catch fish or grow stuff.  Be nice to your wife, too.  You may need her to weave a bow string for you out of her hair, and she won't do it if she's angry.

So that's my financial advice for you this week.  Remember!  -Don't buy gold!  Buy the things you'll want to buy with gold.  Get them now, they won't be available later.